i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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