what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
