So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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