Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
