I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
