I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
