the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I looked at my own cervix.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
