I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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