When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
