I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
