I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
