After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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