She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
