I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
