His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
