What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
