I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
