final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
