My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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