Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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