don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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