drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
