I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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