We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
