you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
