Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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