Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
