she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
