whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
