I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
