Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
