saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
