I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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