College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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