Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
