Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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