She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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