so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
