I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
