I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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