batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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