I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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