i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
