I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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