Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
