you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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