She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
That's how pantless uber rides happen
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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