I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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