Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
