Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
