Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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