I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
did i walk over a car last night?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
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